Today I’m chillin’ out on my truck’s tailgate by the river, trying to get as far away from people as I can. I’m pretty frustrated and disappointed by the lack of responsiveness I’m getting to my texts and calls. I keep rebooting my phone and checking if it has service. It does. How in the world do people who I know have their phone in their hand or at their desk not even acknowledge a text let alone return a call?! Today, there are at least six people who have not gotten back to me about work, dinner plans, how their test went, and other stuff. Some of it I need to know, some of it is just relating, caring and showing an interest in them. I’m pissed!
There can be a perfectly good explanation for them ignoring me. They might have lost their phone, have its battery die, or it might not have service where they’re at. They could have their attention tied up at the moment with work, school, a date, the gym, church, a shower, a ballgame, sleep, sorting their socks, etc. Maybe they’re one of the few responsible drivers that don’t text while they’re behind the wheel. They might be finding out the answer to my question and checking with another person before they plan to respond.
You may have heard the maxims “actions speak louder than words” or “watch what they do, not what they say”. Responding to a message is an action. Not responding is also an action, one that can send an even more powerful message without using words.
Communication is a two-way process. The Sender has a message, sends it through some medium (speech, writing, etc.) to the Receiver who interprets the message and then responds with some sort of feedback. The response is a message in itself. It can be as simple as an acknowledgment of the message being received (“got it”) or understood (“I hear you”). It can be more complex, of course, when the Receiver replies with a statement or question.
The absence of a response by the Receiver says something too. It can simply say the message wasn’t received – “I never got the email” or “I didn’t hear you”. A non-response can also say something stronger on behalf of the Receiver, as in “I’m ignoring you”, “I don’t want to acknowledge your request”, “You’re not worth my time”, and “Go away”.
It bugs the hell out of me when I try to communicate by text, voicemail or email and I don’t hear a response even acknowledging the message. To me it’s common courtesy to respond and not leave something hanging out there. No response causes tough feelings like being ignored, unimportant, disrespected, avoided, idiotic and even foolish. I have several examples:
If I pay you a complement, at least say “thanks”. Don’t ignore it or diminish it by arguing that the complement isn’t true or deserved. Humility doesn’t have a place with me. Ignoring a complement is ungrateful.
If I am thanking you, just say “you’re welcome”. A simple “no problem” shows you accept my appreciation. Not responding will make me less likely to show you some gratitude in the future.
If I am asking a favor or delegating a task, just let me know if you can or can’t do it. By not responding, I’ll likely just ask again and again – especially if I’m your father or boss where not responding is disrespectful. Also, if you need me to clarify what I’m asking, just ask me what I mean.
If I am apologizing, let me know if you are satisfied and accepting or not. I guess a nonresponse here is a sign you don’t accept my apology – or do you? I’m left uncertain of your perspective.
If I reach out to you after not having talked or seen you in a while, like when reconnecting with a long-distance friend, respond. If you don’t I start to see that you no longer value our friendship.
As a kid I was taught that it was good manners to look at someone when they’re talking to you and to respond when they ask a question or stop talking. To not look at them and not respond is ignoring, which is incredibly rude and bad form. If you want to be thought of as a good communicator, respond. It’s OK to disagree with some one or say “no” to them, but at least let them know. If you want to upset people, ignore them. No one likes be ignored. It makes people feel unimportant.
Relationships are also a two-way thing. It’s no coincidence that communication is central to relationships. Whether that’s a work relationship, an intimate relationship between two people, a parent-child relationship, or a friendship between two people – communication has to happen. Clear communication isn’t easy; I’ve begun calling it an art. Two-way communication is absolutely essential if both parties want to see the relationship stay healthy and positive.
There’s enough ill will going around the world these days. We don’t need to accidentally create more with breakdowns in communication. Instead, create respectful and positive relationships by communicating better. You may have to find the courage or words to respond in ways people don’t want to hear, but you’re both better off when you respond with a disappointing truth than when you lie or ignore them.
Check your texts, emails and voicemails and get back to people who are waiting on you – unless you really do want to be saying “Go away”. Don’t leave people hanging.
View From The Tailgate 